Citizen Crime Stoppers: Beard Unit

*Wrote this tonight for my friend Bob and I to make. Because we have beards.


INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Amongst the shops hustle and bustle an OLDER GENTLEMAN is concluding
his transaction.

A pretty, young BARRISTA works the register.

BARRISTA
One grande house blend. Would you
like to try one of signature mini
muffins for only two dollars more?

OLDER GENTLEMAN
No, thank you. Just the coffee.

BARRISTA
Then your total today is two oh
five.

The Older Gentleman produces two crisp dollar bills and
hands them to the Barrista. His hand juts into his pocket.

OLDER GENTLEMAN
I think I've got a nickel.

He moves to hand the Barrista a coin when ANOTHER HAND grabs his
wrist.

The hand belongs to COLIN, a darkly bearded man wearing sunglasses
despite being indoors

COLIN
Hold it.

The Gentleman and the Barrista stare in stunned silence.

COLIN
Just what in the hell are you
trying to do?

OLDER GENTLEMAN
(stuttering)
Paying for my coffee?

JESSE
Try, committing a felony.

Colin smirks, looks over his shoulder at a similarly bearded man,
JESSE.

OLDER GENTLEMAN
What are you talking about?

Colin returns attention to the felonous Older Gentleman.

COLIN
I'm afraid my beautifully bearded
friend is right on the money.

Colin tenses and CRACK!

OLDER GENTLEMAN
AHHHH!

From his broken hand, a silver coins falls to the counter.

It bucks and jumps before settling. A beaver is embossed on its
surface.

Colin loosens his grip and the Older Gentleman slips to the floor,
clutching his hand.

BARRISTA
You broke that man's hand over a
nickel!

COLIN
Canadian. And your welcome.

BARRISTA
Why the hell would you do that?

Faster than lightning Colin and Jesse whip out badges that read:
CCS:BU

COLIN
Citizen Crime Stoppers.

JESSE
Beard unit.

Each stroke their beard with their non badge hand.

COLIN
Seems our work here is done.

Colin grabs the coin off the counter, flicks it at the writhing
Gentleman.

COLIN
Keep the change.

JESSE
Nice.

CREDIT SEQUENCE OVER SWEET MUSIC

Title: CCU Beard Unit

SERIES OF SHOTS

Colin and Jesse observe a man spitting on the sidewalk, proceed
to burn him with cigarettes.

They give chase to a man in a dress.

A man stalks a graveyard, shovel in hand. Sees Colin and Jesse
watching him from their car, drops shovel and runs.

Colin eats a hamburger, proceeds to choke while laughing at
a joke Jesse tells him.

Split screen: Jesse and Colin in respective bathrooms, comb their
beards facing each other as if staring into mirror.

Colin hides in the bushes, shoots bicyclist with radar gun. Nods
to Colin down the road who shoves a rod through the
bicyclists wheel.

Colin and Jesse dance in strobed light.

INT. POLICE CHIEF'S OFFICE

A heavy set man, CHIEF stands behind his desk.

Chief SLAMS his fist down.

CHIEF
Beard Unit!

COLIN
Right here Chief.

Colin and Jesse sit in comfortable chairs across from their livid
Chief.

CHIEF
Damn it Beard Unit, I know your
here! I'm angry with you!

COLIN
Why's that Chief?

CHIEF
You broke an old man's hand!

JESSE
A felonous, old man.

CHIEF
You make up one more word Jesse and
I'll have your badge!

JESSE
Sorry Chief.

Chief takes a breath, calms and sits.

CHIEF
This isn't why I called you in
here. We got a message from... the
Conundrum.

COLIN
The Conundrum! That scum.

CHIEF
He says he'll be calling me in the
next few minutes. Says he'll only
talk to you, Colin.

COLIN
Why only me Chief?

CHIEF
You're his greatest foe. You solved
the mystery of the lingering stain.

COLIN
All over that carpet...

The phone on Chief's desk RINGS. Chief answers.

CHIEF
Hello?
(to Colin)
It's for you.

Colin grabs the phone from Chief.

COLIN
Hello Conundrum.

INT. CONUNDRUM'S DARK LAIR

A shadowed figure sits with his back to us.

CONUNDRUM
Colin of Beard Unit, so nice to
speak with you.

V/O COLIN
Cut to the chase Conny, I'm already
late for a trim.

CONUNDRUM
So impetuous. But I will cut to it,
as you say. As a feather moves
where the wind wills, so too must
all chickens come home to roost.

V/O COLIN
What the hell are you prattling on
about?

INT. POLICE CHIEF'S OFFICE

Colin holds the phone, disinterested.

V/O CONUNDRUM
A riddle my fuzzy friend. In it
contains your only clue to finding
the bomb I have planted in the
city.

COLIN
So either we decipher your poorly
written poem or innocent citizens
lose their lives.

V/O CONUNDRUM
Those are the rules of my game.

COLIN
Seems like you've got our hands
tied.

He motions to someone and a SECRETARY walks up with a
post-it note.

COLIN
Or maybe we traced this call and a
pretty secretary just handed me a
post-it with your address on it.

INT. CONUNDRUM'S DARK LAIR

Conundrum is silent in the darkness.

CONUNDRUM
It would do you no goo-

CLICK. He's hung up on by Colin.

CONUNDRUM
Shit.

INT. COLIN'S CAR

Colin and Jesse sit side by side, silent, emotionless.

COLIN
Sarah's leaving me.

JESSE
Damn.

INT. CONUNDRUM'S DARK LAIR

Conundrum is working frantically at a table when his door is KICKED
in by Jesse.

Conundrum is startled, then darts back to his chair.

CONUNDRUM
I've been expecting you Beard Unit.

Colin and Jesse step into the darkness.

Colin flips a switch on the wall and light spills over the cluttered
mess of the Conundrum's apartment/lair.

The Conundrum, less menacing in the light, sits hunched over wearing
a green track suit.

CONUNDRUM
(to himself)
Jeez!
(to our heroes)
No matter what you do or what you
say I will not provide any other
clues. I assure you everything you
need to solve this rid-

BLAM! Colin stops the pontificating Conundrum with a bullet in
the stomach.

CONUNDRUM
Glahhh!

Jesse walks up and inspects the wound.

JESSE
Ow. Right in the liver. Gotta be
painful.

The Conundrum gurgles his agreement. Jesse steps back.

JESSE
I'd say you've got less than four
minutes unless somebody stops the
bleeding.

COLIN
So where's the bomb Conny?

CONUNDRUM
Jesus! You shot me! You can't shoot
me, that's not how it works!

COLIN
I was improvising. Your turn.

The Conundrum struggles to sit up, points to his table.

CONUNDRUM
The map and disarm code is right
there. You could have just smacked
me around a little!

Jesse walks over to the table. Nods to Colin.

COLIN
Thanks for your cooperation.

CONUNDRUM
Could you please call the doctor
now! I'm bleeding to death!

COLIN
No need, I'm a surgeon.

Colin SHOOTS the Conundrum in the head. Blood everywhere.

JESSE
Nice.

ENDING CREDITS OVER OTHER SWEET TUNE

B/W stills from the episode ala Venture Bros.

Or it could be a voiced over preview of next adventure.